It’s Been a While…

It’s been a while. new developments have come in terms of understanding. I am told I will get the use of my vision back. It remains to be seen, but I am also told to keep an open mind. I am concerned that I cannot recover. Anyway, I am still training to be a braille transcriber; I just don’t know if I’ll be relying on adaptive tech. to do it or not. I bought the print version of my textbook, recently. Truth be told, I love this complex set of desks and tools dedicated to communication in such widely varied forms. It’s too bad I don’t really need a second language as well, but if I get to read print again, and it’s—therefore—easier…

So tired.

So much suffering and misunderstanding, as , likely, is the case with other neuropsychiatric issues.

 

My neuropsychiatrist is wonderful! I think all his patients probably feel delighted with him. He’s very understated. I felt from the start that he understood 98% of what I was telling him. It’s what I’d been looking for since I was 10—but didn’t know it. I’m 51. Really, I was so despondent. Only a sense of personal responsibility kept me going long enough that I found doctors who could understand me. Two and a half years ago was the first time I found somebody who understood 1% of my issue. .

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Blind Grocery Shopping

today marked a new venture in sightless functioning for me. I went to the IGA, four blocks away, down a different street, walked in, went to the cookie aisle, to the cashier and out again without looking, seeing, but with knowing. It is not to be compared with the experience of fully blind individuals—some of whom have , nevertheless, travelled further around the world than I may ever do, but you see, I do know what all the streets and aisles and shelves and so forth look like, and where they are. My spatial memory must be decent. Still, it was a small epic to go there, navigate and buy something , successfully. I didn’t know what kind of cookies I’d bought, until I got home.

the owner of the salon on the opposite corner, Theresa, said she had been looking out for me every day, but I hadn’t been out for a few days, that way.

I wound up in the road a couple of times, but people helped me. However, I needed no help in the IGA. Now that I think about it, I know where a whole lot of things are, and it might not be as unrealistic as I thought, to do more shopping. It’s more like the idea of it is funny, but why not 🙂 IT’s nicely eccentric, and I suspect I will want to do it when the time feels right…. 😉

*The cookies turned out to be Oreo’s with Double Stuff.

From Thing to Thing, and Thing…

I used to study English literature in print. No longer. I return, after learning to read Braille and to use a computer with sound, only, using a screen reader. i want to explain why someone with an English lit degree from UBC and seven years’ teaching experience does not know how to spell the word she just read, when she goes to look it up online.

I have a great visual memory if I’ve noticed something, and most of my memory is of reading print, rather than Braille or a computer with a blacked-out screen, so when I read the word “Euridice” in my Braille copy of “The Selected Poems of Gerard Manley Hopkins,” and go to the computer to look up the story, the spelling I”m trying to remember is from seeing it, years ago, in print, and I can’t quite see it.

By the time I’ve gone from Braille to my print memory, to the keyboard, to the search box to my incomplete memory of seeing the word ten years ago, I have utterly lost track of the fact that I have the spelling at my fingertips in the Braille copy to my left.

It takes that much learning and unlearning: the braille was learned partly by connecting to the memory of my print based English learning; the spoken computer information likewise is paralleled by a visual memory of every word it speaks. But, now, as necessary as the attachment to the first ways I learned language were, they now need to be forgotten, put aside, or known in a different compartment/used less, or, sad to say, perhaps to a degree, let go.

I loved to see words. I loved to see, period. As I get closer to the essence of who I am, I release ideas of what I could have been, if only, if only, if only; and yet, I believe more in myself now than I ever did. As crippled as I am, my core contains still that gift, which I could not see before, so well, when I could see more.

“All will be well, and all manner of things will be well…” T.S. Eliot, “Little Gidding”

The Third Eye

The third eye is understood to have been an eye in the back of the head of some lizards along the evolutionary drainpipe. anatomically it contains some of the structures of a real eye, still. it is now called the pineal gland, and it is located inside the brain at the level of the middle of the forehead. I will now speak in a symbolic manner, as it concisely defines my experience, that being one of having been shot through the third eye with some sort of psychic bullet. This is a long-standing sensation.

I identify as Indigo. Others might classify me as a “Scout”Indigo, one of those who arrived early to pave the way and make it safe for the increasing numbers of Indigos the planet needed to balance and alter the relationship humanity had/has with the natural world.

Over a very long time, I have lost the use of my sight for reading and for use in sunlight to the point that I am now living a nocturnal life, have learned the strategies of the blind for functioning during the daylight hours when that is of benefit and linked myself up with disability services of many kinds. My doctors still don’t have a full picture of what has happened, though they try and one has enough normal pieces to construct a case, which she has done.

My eyes function normally at night, except for reading

Bi-Lateral

 

The right side of my brain is becoming more dominant and I can’t get it straight that the left side of the keyboard is not the right. This is likely because I switched to reading with my left hand when I took up Braille. For Braille you need as much sensitivity as possible, and the left was less tough. The mirror imagery of bi-lateral symmetry is becoming a daily more evident phenomenon.